(F)art

Here we go, another week down which means a whole new week's worth of social entropy and personal distaste to comment on. When I watch TV I have a habit of turning over to Kerrang! during the ad breaks on the other channel. It's a throwback to when I was younger and actually enjoyed some of the bands they used to play. Back when Green Day actually looked their age and Metal bands didn't look like skinny suburban dick- heads. It has slipped over the past few years as anyone who has read the magazine in the past will know. It's become a modern day version of Smash Hits just with a little bit more "edge" to ruffle mom's feathers a bit. Bit It really is a pants music channel. It other shows a video they they've had the rights to exploit for about ten years or it exposes some of the more insidiously regressive bands that are available on the tween market today.

That is soooo 2007

Rather than another eternal re-run of Metallica's “Enter Sandman” Kerrang! had decided to show us this: Under the Influence – FML (Just watch it). I can deal with all the YouMeAtSix and All Time Low bullshit, it's shamelessly crap music that knows it's crap. We know and they know that their music is just a quick shortcut to sweaty pre-pubescent girls panties who think they're actually connecting with the music. It's almost OK for people to make such shamelessly bad music that rapes the charts like a rabbit on heat because, well, basically... If you are too retarded to realise that it's bad then fuck you, you measly social cretin. There is no artistic merit to be found in here. Honestly there is more artistic expression found in any of the UK's tabloid papers. But it is OK to like crap... as long as you know it's crap!

That is chocolate however

It almost makes me feel bad ripping into a band who hasn't brought in Youtube hits by the million, but fuck it, these things need to be nipped in the bud. Under The Influence's FML was so bad that it literally made me want to fuck my own life... with a knife... through the chest because whatever social and cultural phenomena that caused this to happen has to be eradicated immediately. Like the dropping of the first atomic bomb over Hiroshima, society needs to learn not to let this shit happen again!

Artist's forewarning of Lady Gaga's upcoming UK tour

Boys, if you are reading this. You're lyrics are about as interesting as a boxing day crap. In this age where recording equipment is as cheap as it's ever been you've somehow managed to create a sound that has the audio quality of a odd sized piece of carpet, let alone how undeveloped and boring your actual music is. Then there is the vocals. No. Just no. What is this east London wannabe on about? This isn't the grime scene, if it were your shitty excuse for vocals would almost be excusable because at least all your audience members would be to incapacitated to give a fuck. What are these lyrics about? Surely having FML, the meme based acronym for Fuck My Life as a lyric in your tune is about as artistically lazy as me taking a crap on a piece of A5 paper. No wait! IT ISN'T. At least that would say something about my state of mind, you guys have pasted together to very trendy forms of music... well trendy if you happen to be someone who owns one of these:

If so press ⌘W on Mac or alt F4 on Windows

That Enter Shikari-esque trance, meets poorly done metal meets a suburban rude boy faker (plus a few too many burgers on the waist). You have managed to amount to zero artistic merit. Well done... at least Susan Boyle was ugly enough to fake the public, but no matter how rough your faces look, no matter how weak your artistic credibility is or how manufactured and pathetic your image can be, times will never be hard enough to accept you.

Anyway, fuck these guys. I've been roaming around this week and Under The Influence aren't the only skid mark on the underpants of culture and society I've seen this week. The other being dog turds. Literally wherever I go there's a dog turd just a stone's throw away. Long ones, thick ones, sticky tar coloured ones. They are literally everywhere. There just seems to be something about Kemptown in Brighton that gets a dogs colon looser than Nicki Minaj on a photo shoot. It doesn't even end there. I live in a block of flats on the sea front as frankly I cannot bare to live with the shit munchers further in land. But with premium living accommodation you expect premium tenants around you. It's one thing to accidentally kick a poo into the road in the morning but it's another thing to see this:

Somewhere a native Indian is crying

A symbolic piece of our suburban loneliness perhaps? An unmade bed abandoned by its resident, a double bed parked on double yellow lines. Like piece of modern art the bed answered no questions. Its only purpose was to be there, in that moment as itself, leaving us to ponder questions of our existence in a forever shrinking yet expanding cold and callous world... perhaps it is us who is parked on double yellows? How long can we continue our addiction to oil. Pounding the earth for all its resources, yet cutting down the lungs of the planet and building motorways where once green pastures used to be? One day we will be forced to sleep in the beds we have made, except they shall be unmade, taxed and on the side of a freeway. Or maybe it's just a bad example of fly tipping.

Either way the council picked it up a few days later, it really had become a bit of an eye-sore and depressing to the elderly residents on floor four. But speaking of art there is another category I've started to put what I consider faux-art to be. Or (f)art in short. Here is an example of a (f)art on side entrance to the block of flats I live in:

Premium... We have CCTV!

I'm all up for graffiti. I think if you have something important to say to people it can be extremely effective to paint it across your city. Simon & Garfunkel said in the “Sound Of Silence”:

The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls

Right on! For all it's worth, be a prophet. Just don't be the spaz that writes something like that. You should never (f)art and especially not when it is at the inconvenience of others. We all know what follows a (f)art. A big, stinky flatuating anus that just shits all over us. Speaking of which, having done a bit more research, Under The Influence have made a full length album which is more than enough evidence to make my theory here a fact. This concludes my post of today. For every bad piece of art there is a consequence:

Never. Ever. (f)art in public!

"All photo-shoots are conducted outside"

Next Post Tuesday 16th, April

If you have enjoyed this post then please let me know and send me a comment and forward to your friends... unless you are Under The Influence or Nick Minaj's manager of course.